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15 March 2009 @ 09:44 pm
i'm the narrator & this is just the prologue;  
In hindsight, I don't actually know why I created this thing. I think at the time, I remember telling Jordan I was feeling too quiet, but honestly? The last thing I need is another journal that I'm not going to write in. I don't really approve of angst-ridden diatribes about all of the non-drama that takes place in my life, concerning events and people about which I'm neither going to remember nor care about in another month, year, decade. And even if I were? It wouldn't be in a place where everyone could read it. Which, I suppose, is half of my problem. I don't want people to know those things about me. I don't want them to know about all of the selfish, petty, or hurtful things that go through my mind, because I don't even want to know about them. I certainly don't want to put them down on paper (metaphorical, or not). That's not what I want people to remember about me.

And since the song playing just changed to the 59th Street Bridge Song (the Simon and Garfunkel version, of course, because it's brilliant and unmatched), I'm going to change the subject and enjoy it. It always makes me feel better, that song. How could it not, with lyrics like that? Actually, I'm already better just having the music on at all. Sometimes, on bad days, when it's all you can do to just keep going, music is a way of holding on. And you know you'll be okay, as long as it keeps playing. It reminds me of everything I want my life to be. Beautiful, poetic, philosophical, fearless. Not that it is those things, but I'd like it to be. It's a goal, anyway, or maybe more of an ideal.

I spoke to Jordan of making this into a photojournal, to inspire me to take pictures again as well. The idea is that I'd take at least one picture that day, and then write about it later. I do like the idea a lot, and I think I might try it. The trouble is, the most important things that happen to a person in a day often aren't the most conducive to taking pictures, so I'm not really sure. I suppose I'll see how it works out. In any case, it'd give me something to write about that I'm also willing to share with other people, and that I'm not worried about anyone ripping off (hence the reason I can't put up the things I usually write, stories and what not, which is a damn shame because I could really use the feedback!)

By the way, Chris really reminds me of Nate, and just for the record, that is not a remotely flattering comparison. I hope he doesn't have it in his stupid, testosterone-infused head that talking to me is going to get him anywhere. (Which is vain of me, but I can't really help the way I'm interpreting this, can I? I can usually tell when boys seem interested, though I might do my best to ignore it. Oblivious is my tactic, and it's worked well for me in the past, until they force me to be direct. Not fun, or pretty, but what can you do?) He hurt Kayla, which is like kicking your favorite puppy, because she's sweet, and good, and a lot of other positive adjectives, and though I'm not remotely interested (but actually sort of repulsed-- he's so emo and angsty, and again, much like Nate), I don't really want anything to do with him after that anyway. Hmm. This is another good practice for me, telling the absolute truth. I should continue experimenting with that in my journal entries here, since I rarely say out loud how I feel about the things I don't like.

But for now, friends, the end.
sharpblckneedlesharpblckneedle on March 17th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC)
You wrote! I'm so excited. I actually was swinging by your page to harass you about it too, incidentally.

If mine feel to nasty for anyone else, you can always set it to private. To take it even further, you could just delete it later at your leisure while it's sitting private.

Just reading about music and how you see it as an abstraction of an ideal lifestyle is interesting, and worth writing in my opinion. Sometimes writing it down in some manner helps clarify things, make them seem more real and attainable.

My friend Zachary was telling me about a girl who puts in songs, pictures, and the like. She also draws pictures, and I think you've enough talent to draw what you can't photograph, as an alternative way to commemorate what you want.

That seems unfair, having to deal with two people like that in such a short span of time.